Still Here

I’m still here, I just took a hiatus from blogging for a while.  Shortly after we moved from the North Shore to Kailua, I began experiencing physical and mental issues that were baffling and debilitating. I didn’t have the motivation or the mental clarity to blog about it and I was overwhelmed with where to even start. I spent all my free time researching and trying everything I could to fix myself.  I felt so incredibly broken and hopeless and the doctors were no help. In January, after we moved off of the island, I got answers.  Now we’ve been away from Hawaii for a few weeks and I’m slowly feeling my normal self beginning to shine through once again. I’m not healed yet but I’m on my way.

To be honest, the entire past three years were rough although I never talked about it on the blog. We were living in Hawaii so life should have been great but it wasn’t all rainbows and beach time like you might imagine. Our time there was nothing like we thought it would be. There were plenty of good things but just as many bad. It was a love/hate relationship. Sure, Hawaii is absolutely gorgeous but I didn’t love living there. You have no idea how guilty I feel about not loving it when everything and everyone told me that I should. Living in Hawaii is vastly different than vacationing there.  I’ve found that if I said anything negative about it, people responded with “but at least you are in Hawaii!” So I tried to keep the complaining to a minimum and kept the blog posts focused on CC and the positive things.

Housing and health were our biggest struggles. I was newly pregnant when we arrived in Hawaii. Dulce and I stayed in temporary lodging for two months while J was at training and we were waiting on a house. Johnnie was gone for most of that entire first year and almost missed CC’s birth which happened 3 weeks early because I was induced with sudden severe hypertension that turned into pre-eclampsia.  I battled my blood pressure for over a year afterwards and I still have to check it regularly.  Johnnie deployed for 6 months when CC was 6 weeks old. That was just about the time I started developing crippling postpartum anxiety that lasted for about 10 months. The severe anxiety, along with the deployment, being so far from family and friends, and everything that comes along with birth, a c-section, recovery, and caring for a new baby… honestly, I was so miserable that entire first year, and things that I thought and felt were so terrifying, that it still upsets me to think about it.  I never want to can’t go through it again.

When CC was about 7 months old, she developed a small spot of eczema on her face that became severe and uncontrollable, covering her face, arms, hands, and legs. It was heartbreaking and it baffled all of her doctors and specialists. Dulce was also having issues with with cracked and bleeding paws that wouldn’t heal and recurrent yeast infections on her nails. It was a very difficult time and I spent every free moment searching the internet for answers that I never found. I was inundated with so much “helpful advice” every single time we left the house that I purposefully kept it off the blog and Facebook (photoshopping C’s photos) because I didn’t need more advice coming at us from that angle as well.

As it turns out, our house was build on the old Hickam flight line which was highly contaminated with petroleum, jet fuel, and who knows what else. We weren’t made aware of this until after we moved in and were then warned not to touch exposed soil, not to eat anything that grew in the soil, and to clean shoes and dog paws before entering the house. Once every couple months, a man in a hazmat suit would show up and take soil samples from our backyard… but insisted everything was fine. I believe Dulce knew something was up because she didn’t like being in the yard and often preferred to pee on the cement instead of going into the grass. We assumed that the contamination had something to do with CC and Dulce’s issues but there is no way to know for sure.

Last January, we decided to move off base so we could experience “real” Hawaii living for our final year here and see if it might help both CC and Dulce’s persistent and puzzling health problems.  We left our big new house that had central air and a garage and moved into a tiny beachfront vacation rental on the North Shore.

The house itself was the perfect size, although it had some issues due to poor upkeep, and we loved the location. It was a short drive to work for Johnnie, I walked on the beach at sunrise every single morning, and we spent most of our time outside on the large deck overlooking the ocean. I cherished our days there; it was my favorite 6 months of living in Hawaii. As an added bonus, CC’s eczema started healing and was nearly gone within a few months! Dulce’s paws also completely healed! The hassle of moving off base was worth it just for that. We can’t say for certain that the soil contamination at the other house had anything to do with their issues but it’s an awfully big coincidence that they both got better after we moved.

The North Shore house was a furnished vacation rental so we put all our things into a storage unit and looked forward to living a simple life for a year.  As it turned out, it was a poorly run vacation rental.  All of the bedding, towels, and kitchen items were unusable so we had to get some of our things out of storage to use. Living in a beachfront home meant exposure to constant wind and humid salty air.  It ruined everything that we had outside within a few weeks. Even things inside the house had a salty coating on them and began to rust. Worst of all, the owner was c-r-a-z-y and the property managers didn’t do much to help. We were paying $6,000 a month to live there and yet the owner was inconsiderate and uncooperative. The windows had broken or missing screens, the front door didn’t lock, and the washer was full of rust. It took a lot to get those things fixed because she didn’t think they needed to be. After five months and her suddenly deciding to stop lawn service that was included, we had enough and decided to break our lease and move (which we were legally allowed to do because the landlord was not holding up her end). Our large security deposit was held for no valid reason so J went to court to get it back. We easily won the case.

We moved from the North Shore to a house in Kailua. The house look great, it was larger and cheaper ($4500 a month), only a few minutes walk to the beach, and was walking/biking distance to everything in Kailua. The landlord was a super sweet older lady who lived right next door, and was fine with only a six month lease that we needed. The house seemed wonderful at first and most of our things fit, although some things still needed to stay in the storage unit (which I’m now very thankful that it was all in a safe, clean, climate-controlled location).

Johnnie left for six weeks right after we moved in. Within days of him leaving, I came down with some sort of intestinal bug that lasted for five days. CC never got it so I assume it was something I ate.  A week after that, I had the worst PMS ever and then I suddenly started having full-blown panic attacks. I had three or four debilitating panic attacks every single day that lasted for about an hour each. I could barely function to take care of CC, Dulce, and myself. One morning I had to call our sweet landlord to come over and make CC breakfast because I couldn’t get off the floor. I couldn’t even drive two miles to the grocery store without having an attack. With only a few friends on the island and all family an ocean away, I felt stuck and every day seemed impossible to get through.

The panic attacks came out of the blue and they were so frequent and so severe, that I thought something must be wrong with me. I refused to believe it was “just stress”. I had severe anxiety for a long time after CC was born but no panic attacks, so why now?

Besides the panic attacks, I started having a ton of other symptoms: brain fog, difficulty concentrating, extreme fatigue, difficulty sleeping, night sweats, itchy skin, swollen joints, hair loss, super congested sinuses, headaches, itchy painful eyes, sensitivity to light, body and muscle pains, heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, super short menstrual cycles, heavy and painful periods, bloating, indigestion, increased food sensitivities, and so forth. I was a mess. To top it off, I had a few scary throat reactions to foods I normally ate which made me assume that my dairy allergy had gotten worse. These were all new or exaggerated symptoms since moving into the Kailua house.

A sweet friend drove me to a walk-in health clinic on base so I could get checked out, since I couldn’t drive there myself. I had basic blood work done but was told it was all normal. They did an EKG but that was normal. I even wore a heart event monitor 24/7 for two whole weeks but that also came back normal.  So I got no answers.

The panic attacks lasted for one month and then stopped, although the anxiety continued. I was filled with high anxiety every single day, all day long.  It was nearly unbearable but at least I was functioning better and able to drive again.

I finally got an appointment to see my primary doctor with the long list of symptoms I was experiencing. He listened to me explain my symptoms and then said that his professional opinion was that my symptoms were “just a normal part of my body changing as I get older”. WHAT?!?! I am not a doctor but I know that a sudden onset of panic attacks and all the other symptoms are not a “normal” part of anything! He offered to write a prescription for antidepressants and birth control pills, both of which I refused. I wanted to find the cause of my symptoms, not just take some pills to cover them up.

He was no help at all and really made me feel like everything was just in my head and that I must be going crazy. He said to come back if I changed my mind on the prescriptions and suggested I see the clinical psychologist in the office. Thanks for nothing. Still, I actually did go see the psychologist a few times but he was of little help as well, only offering the typical relaxation techniques and also suggesting antidepressants and birth control pills. I also went to the nutritionist who was also no help at all. With our insurance and our quickly approaching move, I couldn’t just go find another doctor so I really felt stuck and helpless.

The one helpful thing I did manage to get out of the whole ordeal, with some persuasion, was a referral to an allergist so I could at least get officially tested and figure out my food issues.  I had to wait two months for that allergy appointment.

In the meantime, I tried hard to relax using all of the techniques that the popular self-help articles, books, and websites suggest: yoga, massage, acupuncture, meditation, deep breathing exercises, gratitude journaling, positive thinking, stress reduction, etc.  I also learned how to crochet and completed a complicated paint-by-number project to keep my hands and mind busy.  I listened to many self-help podcasts while I painted.  I tried to my best to get through each day and take care of myself, C, and Dulce  alone because J was gone. It was such a difficult time.

The allergy testing was done in December, weeks before we were moving back to the mainland. Nothing about it was what I expected. I thought I’d just get tested for dairy and a few other things but they skin pricked me for 78 different things, mostly food items but some non-food things. The doctor was extremely old. Because I had to speak louder and slower than normal, I didn’t feel like I could have a good conversation about all of my concerns. He also simply eyeballed my prick reaction measurements instead of using any kind of ruler which made me question the accuracy of the test. I’m sure that he’s extremely knowledgable since he’s obviously been in practice forever but the whole experience left me uneasy with more questions than answers.

Allergy skin testing isn’t completely reliable. In fact, 50 to 60% of positives are usually false positives.  However, if something reads negative, then it is likely to actually be negative. My results? It showed that I was mildly allergic to everything, even the sterile saline control, and that I was moderately allergic to dust mites, mold, cockroaches, and candida. Dairy only showed as a mild allergy which I expected to be much worse.

They gave me a small shot of epinephrine at the clinic since I was reacting to everything, a prescription for an EpiPen (because of the throat swelling symptom I get when eating dairy), and an order to get blood drawn for an allergy blood test.  My bumps and redness all went away by that evening and I wondered if the whole ordeal was even worth it. The next day, I had three spots flare up again with swelling and redness – candida, mold, and cockroaches. The candida spot continued to grow for another day before it started to go down. There was still a red spot remaining there two weeks later and then it peeled like a sunburn before disappearing… strange.

I was already eating a very clean diet but I started avoiding all the foods that I was potentially allergic to, as shown by the allergy skin test. I started making bone broth and drinking it with every meal. I also started taking a high-dose probiotic. Shortly after changing my diet, my anxiety started lessening! For the first time in six months, I regained my mental clarity and started to feel somewhat normal again. However despite feeling better mentally, I was feeling worse physically. The thing that concerned me most was that my blood pressure went up. It had been holding steady at 110/70 and it jumped to around 135/85 – still “normal” enough but I was uncomfortable with the sudden change being that I’ve had blood pressure issues in the past. Somehow I managed to get through the final weeks on the island, moving, finding a house, and traveling to stay with family while J is away at training.

I got the results back from my blood allergy test last week.  These results are much more clear and concise than the skin prick test, although they are not 100% reliable either.  Almost all the foods that the prick test said I’m allergic to, the blood test said I’m not – thank goodness!  The only foods that turned up as a low positive IgE response were wheat, gluten, and egg white.

Two things showed up as a “very high” IgE reaction in the blood test: cockroaches and dust mites.  Testing for a mold reaction was not done in the blood test although I’m assuming it would be high as well based on the prick test and how it re-flared like the cockroach.

So it turns out that I was allergic to the Kailua house.  All of my symptoms were from my body reacting to the allergens all around me! I wasn’t crazy after all, nor was it in my head. The house that we were renting was a typical Hawaiian home built in 1961. It seemed well kept enough but the roof leaked in a few spots and there was a musty smell in multiple locations so I know that the house had mold hidden in the ceiling/walls.  My allergist said Hawaii has the highest concentration of dust mites of any state so I know that was surely an issue as well.  Finally, the house was infested with cockroaches… they all came out when I turn off the lights at night and I had to clean up their poop and egg sacs every day. I had to keep all food in the fridge or in plastic containers and couldn’t use anything without first checking it for poop and chew holes.  No wonder I was having so many new and crazy symptoms living there!

If you are wondering why we would rent a place like this to live in, remember that it looked great when we moved in, and it was in an amazing location.  It wasn’t a shack, it was a $1.6 million house.  Most Hawaii houses have doors and windows open constantly because electricity is so expensive. I think it’s safe to assume that cockroaches, geckos, heat, humidity, mold, and rust are common things most people are willing to deal with in order to live in “paradise”.

When you are constantly exposed to an allergy, your body stays in a constant state of inflammation and cannot function or heal itself like it should. CC’s eczema and Dulce’s paws couldn’t heal when we lived on base because they were continually exposed to something that was aggravating them. My mental and physical health deteriorated in the Kailua house because I was living among things that I’m highly allergic to. Living in Hawaii has been rough on all of us, health wise.  I am so relieved in so many ways to be done with that assignment and back on the mainland!