Three months down, nine more to go. We are very happy to be 1/4 of the way done and counting down the months in the single digits now.
This month was harder than the previous two. It started out on a high note as we returned from our spring break road trip but then it took a few days for our bodies to adjust to being back in this environment. The pollen count is very high here and the Okefenokee Swamp (which is less than 60 miles to the east of us) is currently on fire which affects our air quality when the wind currents are right. C had a few minor nose bleeds during that first week back and many days our noses feel clogged up. Some days breathing just feels more difficult with the particles in the air and the humidity.
My anxiety is way up this month, the highest it’s been since last summer. High anxiety is not normal for me and is usually an indicator that something is off. I’ve been under a lot of stress for the past many months and I think it’s finally exhausting my adrenals and my mind, and wearing on my body. My anxiety is a hypochondriac; turning every little ache and twinge into worst case scenario. Logic tells me physical symptoms are caused by stress, but my anxiety tells me that I must be dying. It’s no fun at all. Anxiety sucks. I’m thankful that I’ve been through worse before, so I know I can get through this too.
C has been a lot more moody lately as well with some bursts of impatience and anger. The biggest struggle has been ballet practice this month. She had been looking forward to the recital and dancing on stage all year and then suddenly this month she decided that she hates it and wants to quit. She had some HUGE tantrums about going that were difficult for me to deal with calmly and significantly heightened my stress levels. During the worst of it, she was on the floor screaming and kicking while I was trying to hold her down and put on her tights. Finally realizing that two of her friends in her ballet class had moved away before this attitude change shed some light on things. We don’t want to force her to do things she really doesn’t want to do, but we do want her to honor and finish the commitments that she makes. For ballet, that commitment means going to practice and participating in the recital. Thankfully, C has willingly decided to finish ballet. I think it’s safe to say that we will not be signing up for ballet next year.
C is dealing with her own big emotions about J being gone but I’m sure that some of her intensified moodiness is also a reflection of my own issues. I hate that she sees me dealing with anxiety and depression and I hate that I don’t cope with it better than I do to be a better example for her. Despite the tumultuous times we have been having, C and I make it a point to apologize often and say “I still love you even when ____”. My ultimate goal in parenting is to have C know and feel that my love for her is unconditional, no matter what rough times we face.
Easter was this month. We attended two egg hunts and had a neighborhood party. We video chatted with Johnnie when we woke up on Easter morning and then had a quiet day with church, cookie baking, and dinner.
The week after Easter, my mother arrived for a long visit. The first weekend that she was here, we drove to Disney World for two nights and she watched C while I ran the Star Wars Dark Side Half Marathon. We spent the day together at the Magic Kingdom after the race. She will be here until just after C’s upcoming ballet recital. It has been wonderful for C to have someone else to play with other than me and it’s been nice for me to have another adult to converse with on a daily basis. It was also so very nice having someone else help with household chores.
Meals this month had a fun twist since a sweet friend gave me a code for a free box from Hello Fresh. We got that box and bought another box the following week. Each of our boxes came with 3 meals which made enough for 2 people each, though each meal was plenty for my mother, C, and myself. It was a relief not having to plan meals for a few nights each week and it was so easy opening up a box that had all of the exact ingredients needed for cooking a meal. The meals were delicious and interesting. It was wonderful having the variety of dishes that I wouldn’t have normally made and I picked up a few tips that I’ll definitely retain for future meals. I didn’t continue the service because its a bit much for only C and I but we’ll definitely try a box meal service like this again when J returns.
After the ups and downs of this past month, I feel a big need to purge things and minimalize our life even more than we already have. I’m also going to start juicing more, regularly doing yoga and meditation, taking more hot baths, and adding some new supplements. I need to bring calm, lower stress, and help my anxiety to return to a normal level if I’m going to make it through the rest of the year.
Month 3 events:
Month 3 accomplishments:
On to month four!
“Go easy on yourself. Whatever you do today, let it be enough.”